I have returned
So, I'm bringing back the blog after what appears to be a good near 3 year absence. While I've no doubt it hasn't been missed for even a minute, it is somewhat essential considering how much my opinions have rather flooded the timelines of my twitter followers of late. For which I can only apologise- I am a right dick, I know. Breathe your sighs of relief as loud as you like I want to be able to hear them all the way from Mordor.
Where to start then, after all this time? I thought that considering we're at the end of another year and about to enter one that will most likely be equally as depressing as the three or four that have preceded it I should keep it nice and simple. A top 5 "shit to leave in 2012", because I'm such a miserable opinionated bastard I've found great satisfaction in tearing apart society for all that it's worth, and I'm hoping this will be reasonably entertaining to read- everyone likes moaning don't they? We are British after all... Whether anyone reads it or not, this will hence forth be a place for the darker side of my personality to express itself while I continue to be a lovely pleasant boy with wonderfully positive outlooks on life. without further ado...
My top 5 shit that needs to be left behind in 2012;
5) that god damned Dolce and Gabana advert featuring Scarlett Johannson- I'm fairly sure we all know the script by now don't we? She waltzes around as if she did that hair herself and isn't really reading an auto-cue, spraying that piss coloured liquid on herself while expecting us to adore her. well ive got news for ya Scatty Jo, Ive already seen your tits on the internet, you are no longer of any use to me.
What annoys me the most is the fact that its almost become an arrogant display of wealth by D&G. It's on every channel at all times of day and by no means are those positions at prime time cheap. I cant help but wonder if Scarlett has ever tasted this perfume? If its ever been force fed to her through a tube? You might like those lips for kissing, darling, but I swear if I hear you claim you're not looking for a million things once more you'll have a million things looking for you. And they won't want that one little thing called love, they'll be carrying flames and pitchforks and theyll want blood. Maybe your head on a pike.
4) Liverpool FC fans- every year you say "this is our year", well guess what, you were right. 2012 is yours, congratulations, keep it forever, put it on your mantelpiece next to the receipts for the "greatest players in the world" and that urn containing the ashes of your wonderful past. Now lets hear nothing more on the matter, and don't try and claim 2013 is going to be "your year" too, because that would be both greedy and foolish. Besides, Tranmere are top of the league.
3) Louie Spence- just writing his name sends freezing chills worthy of the harshest winters in the polar ice caps down my spine, and it's not often that shivers induce heavy fits of vomiting but in this case... Well in this case I feel that words such as these don't even remotely do justice to the hatred that builds inside me every time that putrefying half attempt at a voice leaves his mouth. I'm all for dancing and stuff, I am, honest, but for goodness sake do it with some dignity. I can only hope that someone rams a cock so far up his arse that he is rendered incapable of any sort movement for the foreseeable future. Pirouette on that you fucking ponce. I also request that his brutal murder is televised worldwide and that the commentary translated into as many different languages as possible. And the murderer knighted for his endeavours and bravery... Come to think of it I might do it myself, if only I could remember where I left all my torture implements.
2) Ellesmere Port- it's just not needed. I must stress, I mean the place itself, not necessarily it's residents... Okay maybe get rid of half the residents... Okay maybe 75% of its residents... Okay how about all but the ones without a criminal record... Okay we'll just keep the ones with their own teeth and the ones who's parents aren't brother and sister- I think that about covers my back for not wanting to insult my friends- you're safe boys.
1) Orange people- what the fuck is this all about, really? It started a few years ago in high schools when 15 year old girls were wearing too much make up, looking like they'd been tied to a tractor and pulled face first through fields of tangerines. I know tangerines don't grow in fields as such, but neither should a human beings face be bright orange, so there's that argument put to rest. Anyone with any dignity, even at 15 years old, knew that it looked stupid, in fact it looked downright repulsive.. And a few years down the line it seems that a lot of girls took note and cleaned themselves up to become naturally attractive young women... Well done to you I say. You got yourselves into a hole and got yourselves out of it too, well done indeed, it's a wonderful feeling being a nice shade of real life isn't it? But then, lord oh lord someone explain please, THEN... the shit headed, v neck wearing, quiffed-to-the-rafters, plimsole donning, camp-as-a-fucking-tent so-called-Lads jumped on the band wagon that the former umpa-loompers had left by the side of the road?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIVES?! I don't know if reality tv and towie etc are to blame (Jesus fucking Christ lets not get started on those sewer dwellers) but even if they are, that's no excuse because everyone knows they're the biggest cunts of all. Wash your fucking faces, and if I see any lads heading to sun beds in the summer on 2013 instead of just GOING OUTSIDE FOR A WHILE, I'm going to lock you in there until the uv rays emitting from your own skin turns the inside of the machine a deep shade of beetroot. I EVEN SAW A BLACK MAN IN ONE ONCE!!! You are all embarrassing repulsive piss stains on the already soiled underpants of society and I hope those watches you wear on your ankles somehow chew off your feet.
Phew, I need a cup of tea.
So there we have it. I encourage you all to leave a list of your top 5 shit to leave behind at the turn of the year.
And I must stress, I'm a nice boy really, honest.
Happy new year everybody, hope you had a wonderful Christmas.
Lots of love, one and all x
Where to start then, after all this time? I thought that considering we're at the end of another year and about to enter one that will most likely be equally as depressing as the three or four that have preceded it I should keep it nice and simple. A top 5 "shit to leave in 2012", because I'm such a miserable opinionated bastard I've found great satisfaction in tearing apart society for all that it's worth, and I'm hoping this will be reasonably entertaining to read- everyone likes moaning don't they? We are British after all... Whether anyone reads it or not, this will hence forth be a place for the darker side of my personality to express itself while I continue to be a lovely pleasant boy with wonderfully positive outlooks on life. without further ado...
My top 5 shit that needs to be left behind in 2012;
5) that god damned Dolce and Gabana advert featuring Scarlett Johannson- I'm fairly sure we all know the script by now don't we? She waltzes around as if she did that hair herself and isn't really reading an auto-cue, spraying that piss coloured liquid on herself while expecting us to adore her. well ive got news for ya Scatty Jo, Ive already seen your tits on the internet, you are no longer of any use to me.
What annoys me the most is the fact that its almost become an arrogant display of wealth by D&G. It's on every channel at all times of day and by no means are those positions at prime time cheap. I cant help but wonder if Scarlett has ever tasted this perfume? If its ever been force fed to her through a tube? You might like those lips for kissing, darling, but I swear if I hear you claim you're not looking for a million things once more you'll have a million things looking for you. And they won't want that one little thing called love, they'll be carrying flames and pitchforks and theyll want blood. Maybe your head on a pike.
4) Liverpool FC fans- every year you say "this is our year", well guess what, you were right. 2012 is yours, congratulations, keep it forever, put it on your mantelpiece next to the receipts for the "greatest players in the world" and that urn containing the ashes of your wonderful past. Now lets hear nothing more on the matter, and don't try and claim 2013 is going to be "your year" too, because that would be both greedy and foolish. Besides, Tranmere are top of the league.
3) Louie Spence- just writing his name sends freezing chills worthy of the harshest winters in the polar ice caps down my spine, and it's not often that shivers induce heavy fits of vomiting but in this case... Well in this case I feel that words such as these don't even remotely do justice to the hatred that builds inside me every time that putrefying half attempt at a voice leaves his mouth. I'm all for dancing and stuff, I am, honest, but for goodness sake do it with some dignity. I can only hope that someone rams a cock so far up his arse that he is rendered incapable of any sort movement for the foreseeable future. Pirouette on that you fucking ponce. I also request that his brutal murder is televised worldwide and that the commentary translated into as many different languages as possible. And the murderer knighted for his endeavours and bravery... Come to think of it I might do it myself, if only I could remember where I left all my torture implements.
2) Ellesmere Port- it's just not needed. I must stress, I mean the place itself, not necessarily it's residents... Okay maybe get rid of half the residents... Okay maybe 75% of its residents... Okay how about all but the ones without a criminal record... Okay we'll just keep the ones with their own teeth and the ones who's parents aren't brother and sister- I think that about covers my back for not wanting to insult my friends- you're safe boys.
1) Orange people- what the fuck is this all about, really? It started a few years ago in high schools when 15 year old girls were wearing too much make up, looking like they'd been tied to a tractor and pulled face first through fields of tangerines. I know tangerines don't grow in fields as such, but neither should a human beings face be bright orange, so there's that argument put to rest. Anyone with any dignity, even at 15 years old, knew that it looked stupid, in fact it looked downright repulsive.. And a few years down the line it seems that a lot of girls took note and cleaned themselves up to become naturally attractive young women... Well done to you I say. You got yourselves into a hole and got yourselves out of it too, well done indeed, it's a wonderful feeling being a nice shade of real life isn't it? But then, lord oh lord someone explain please, THEN... the shit headed, v neck wearing, quiffed-to-the-rafters, plimsole donning, camp-as-a-fucking-tent so-called-Lads jumped on the band wagon that the former umpa-loompers had left by the side of the road?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIVES?! I don't know if reality tv and towie etc are to blame (Jesus fucking Christ lets not get started on those sewer dwellers) but even if they are, that's no excuse because everyone knows they're the biggest cunts of all. Wash your fucking faces, and if I see any lads heading to sun beds in the summer on 2013 instead of just GOING OUTSIDE FOR A WHILE, I'm going to lock you in there until the uv rays emitting from your own skin turns the inside of the machine a deep shade of beetroot. I EVEN SAW A BLACK MAN IN ONE ONCE!!! You are all embarrassing repulsive piss stains on the already soiled underpants of society and I hope those watches you wear on your ankles somehow chew off your feet.
Phew, I need a cup of tea.
So there we have it. I encourage you all to leave a list of your top 5 shit to leave behind at the turn of the year.
And I must stress, I'm a nice boy really, honest.
Happy new year everybody, hope you had a wonderful Christmas.
Lots of love, one and all x
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