2019
It's 2019. I am 27 years old, and I started this blog when I was just about eighteen.
Opening it back up now I have realised how many unfinished, unpublished posts I've written over the years, and it speaks as a catalyst for the way my life has gone, it seems. Unfinished, but theres something there, maybe, but whatever it is is scruffy and badly put together and nobody will take much interest... Occasionally eloquent, inquisitive, and full of praise for individuals close to my heart, but also callous, cynical, foolish, and peppered with frustration and hate throughout.
Maybe one day soon it'll all come together into a joyous culmination of mind body and qwerty.
Maybe it wont, and the unfinished vibe will remain... I'll see you in another nine years...
__________________________________________________________________________
Funny old thing the human brain init, utterly bizarre to think that the very thing that makes you 'you' is actually trying to kill you. The pesky little bugger.
I do hope it's unfinished, life. At least I hope there's a bit more to it than this. I'm having one of those days you see - the sort where you feel like the only Ron Swanson in a world full of Jean-Ralphio's. The Eeyore to the worlds Tigger. A lone Daria, amongst, well everybody who isn't Daria.
Have you ever felt something that isn't a feeling? More of a type of existence? Numbness, I suppose it is, the physical embodiment of a Snow Patrol song playing on an otherwise empty boat. Desperate for someone to sail by to give a silent nod of acknowledgement. I see you and you see me so I must exist, but I beg you, please keep floating on by so I don't have to interact any further, and I can exist alone adrift in my ocean again.
So if I'm going to do this, and re-open this page for my incessant rambling that I kind of hope nobody ever reads, then I'm doing it on my terms, and it's going to start uncomfortably, because what's better than making others feel uneasy and curious for your wellbeing?
First of all, shout out to the preppy kids at high school who bullied people for being troubled little emo's, but who now ironically all want to kill themselves, the bloody amateurs. Chin up, this one's for you. Because this is not our first rodeo, and we know you're suddenly feeling an overwhelming desire to go home, despite being sat in your bedroom- so you're not sure where it is you actually want to go...
Like many others before me and many more to come, I've been plagued by my own dark thoughts in recent years, mostly feeling the sort of confusion your blind friend feels when you take him to the cinema - I can kind of understand that significant things are happening around me, and you're only trying to be nice, but realistically I'm rather lost and I'd really appreciate someone explaining what the hell is going on in great detail whilst we go for a pint and a Franky and Benny's or whatever your preferred post-cinematic eatery might be.
But typically, I'm not hungry, and now that you're doing the explaining, I wish I'd never asked.
Experiencing the genuine thought of suicide is a strong lesson in itself - the ability to battle against yourself teaches you about yourself. Of course you get stronger (I hate that 'whatever doesn't kill you' phrase. It's bloody nonsense... another time maybe) but more significantly you realise what keeps you alive, even if you don't realise it in the moment, whilst suffering a relentless desire for freedom, it is later that you realise what it is that you cling to. For me it's the knowledge that my pain will not cease to exist when I do, it will merely be passed onto someone else, someone who I care for and whom I don't want to feel the darkness I have felt. An understanding of what you value outside of yourself is very useful.
Some days even positivity itself can be the most painfully irritating thing in the world - Interacting with people who just want the best for you, people trying to help out, or maybe people that just don't know what it's like to be so tired of yourself, can be so draining. You know the sort - pirouetting through life feelin' fabulous like a pepped up Russell Kane coming out the gym giving out flyers about how a positive mind is the way to a positive something or other I stopped listening ages ago, clearly oblivious to the screaming inside your head.
It's a daily struggle, of course it is. Those who understand need no explanation, but to those who don't understand it's difficult to give perspective. After all, everybody is only a product of their own experience - I mean, some white people say racism doesn't exist anymore. A claim that is so bittersweet because they're so so wrong, yet so blissfully ignorant that you wonder what their world must be like - where the birds fly in through open windows to dress you in the morning, everybody is nice to each other and little Mercedes gets on so well with Tupac the stableboy, all of the hills are made of candyfloss too, obviously.
So imagine you're waist high in water, and you're walking. Some days you're heading with the current, helpfully carried along by nature and your surroundings, all is well, before suddenly you've been turned around and you've got to head upstream, rapids are flowing against you - where the hell did they come from?! You're still capable of moving, but every step is heavy and cold, forcing you back. You're fully aware that you could just pick your feet up, give up, let the torrents take you who knows where, oh how easy that would be, but you don't, you keep walking upstream, sometimes you just sort of stop, let it all wash over you, just as long as your feet stay rooted, don't drift, don't be swept away, don't drown. Just as you're about to slip, your mate makes you a cup of tea and you cling to it like an overhanging branch in the midst of the tsunami. Then it's bedtime.
That's better.
We're in it together though, you and me. Seems the world is struggling at the moment and if there's one thing we can take from all the misery it's that human beings have the power to awaken meaning in one another. So try exploring that avenue, believe in yourself and believe in others, 'cos we're all just out here surviving at the end of the day, and we all deserve a pat on the back for it... be nice. Always.
Taking a step back I'm a little unsure what the direction of this blog was originally supposed to be, though it started with the hope that channeling my thoughts would lead to some sort of release, as satisfaction is destitute in anything productive I've turned my hand to recently... Ever done a monthly shop & thought "Look at all this boss scran in my trolley", before realising its costing you 10x your annual income at the checkout and you're somehow still responsible for killing the fucking turtles?
I was doing so well too.
Damnit.
Yes, I will take another plastic bag please.
Opening it back up now I have realised how many unfinished, unpublished posts I've written over the years, and it speaks as a catalyst for the way my life has gone, it seems. Unfinished, but theres something there, maybe, but whatever it is is scruffy and badly put together and nobody will take much interest... Occasionally eloquent, inquisitive, and full of praise for individuals close to my heart, but also callous, cynical, foolish, and peppered with frustration and hate throughout.
Maybe one day soon it'll all come together into a joyous culmination of mind body and qwerty.
Maybe it wont, and the unfinished vibe will remain... I'll see you in another nine years...
__________________________________________________________________________
Funny old thing the human brain init, utterly bizarre to think that the very thing that makes you 'you' is actually trying to kill you. The pesky little bugger.
Have you ever felt something that isn't a feeling? More of a type of existence? Numbness, I suppose it is, the physical embodiment of a Snow Patrol song playing on an otherwise empty boat. Desperate for someone to sail by to give a silent nod of acknowledgement. I see you and you see me so I must exist, but I beg you, please keep floating on by so I don't have to interact any further, and I can exist alone adrift in my ocean again.
So if I'm going to do this, and re-open this page for my incessant rambling that I kind of hope nobody ever reads, then I'm doing it on my terms, and it's going to start uncomfortably, because what's better than making others feel uneasy and curious for your wellbeing?
First of all, shout out to the preppy kids at high school who bullied people for being troubled little emo's, but who now ironically all want to kill themselves, the bloody amateurs. Chin up, this one's for you. Because this is not our first rodeo, and we know you're suddenly feeling an overwhelming desire to go home, despite being sat in your bedroom- so you're not sure where it is you actually want to go...
Like many others before me and many more to come, I've been plagued by my own dark thoughts in recent years, mostly feeling the sort of confusion your blind friend feels when you take him to the cinema - I can kind of understand that significant things are happening around me, and you're only trying to be nice, but realistically I'm rather lost and I'd really appreciate someone explaining what the hell is going on in great detail whilst we go for a pint and a Franky and Benny's or whatever your preferred post-cinematic eatery might be.
But typically, I'm not hungry, and now that you're doing the explaining, I wish I'd never asked.
Experiencing the genuine thought of suicide is a strong lesson in itself - the ability to battle against yourself teaches you about yourself. Of course you get stronger (I hate that 'whatever doesn't kill you' phrase. It's bloody nonsense... another time maybe) but more significantly you realise what keeps you alive, even if you don't realise it in the moment, whilst suffering a relentless desire for freedom, it is later that you realise what it is that you cling to. For me it's the knowledge that my pain will not cease to exist when I do, it will merely be passed onto someone else, someone who I care for and whom I don't want to feel the darkness I have felt. An understanding of what you value outside of yourself is very useful.
Some days even positivity itself can be the most painfully irritating thing in the world - Interacting with people who just want the best for you, people trying to help out, or maybe people that just don't know what it's like to be so tired of yourself, can be so draining. You know the sort - pirouetting through life feelin' fabulous like a pepped up Russell Kane coming out the gym giving out flyers about how a positive mind is the way to a positive something or other I stopped listening ages ago, clearly oblivious to the screaming inside your head.
It's a daily struggle, of course it is. Those who understand need no explanation, but to those who don't understand it's difficult to give perspective. After all, everybody is only a product of their own experience - I mean, some white people say racism doesn't exist anymore. A claim that is so bittersweet because they're so so wrong, yet so blissfully ignorant that you wonder what their world must be like - where the birds fly in through open windows to dress you in the morning, everybody is nice to each other and little Mercedes gets on so well with Tupac the stableboy, all of the hills are made of candyfloss too, obviously.
So imagine you're waist high in water, and you're walking. Some days you're heading with the current, helpfully carried along by nature and your surroundings, all is well, before suddenly you've been turned around and you've got to head upstream, rapids are flowing against you - where the hell did they come from?! You're still capable of moving, but every step is heavy and cold, forcing you back. You're fully aware that you could just pick your feet up, give up, let the torrents take you who knows where, oh how easy that would be, but you don't, you keep walking upstream, sometimes you just sort of stop, let it all wash over you, just as long as your feet stay rooted, don't drift, don't be swept away, don't drown. Just as you're about to slip, your mate makes you a cup of tea and you cling to it like an overhanging branch in the midst of the tsunami. Then it's bedtime.
That's better.
We're in it together though, you and me. Seems the world is struggling at the moment and if there's one thing we can take from all the misery it's that human beings have the power to awaken meaning in one another. So try exploring that avenue, believe in yourself and believe in others, 'cos we're all just out here surviving at the end of the day, and we all deserve a pat on the back for it... be nice. Always.
Taking a step back I'm a little unsure what the direction of this blog was originally supposed to be, though it started with the hope that channeling my thoughts would lead to some sort of release, as satisfaction is destitute in anything productive I've turned my hand to recently... Ever done a monthly shop & thought "Look at all this boss scran in my trolley", before realising its costing you 10x your annual income at the checkout and you're somehow still responsible for killing the fucking turtles?
I was doing so well too.
Damnit.
Yes, I will take another plastic bag please.
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