If it has two wheels & handlebars it should be a bike.

Once upon a time, not long ago, when people wore Adidas and lived life slow... there was such a thing as a day at a skate park that wouldn't be inevitably ruined by children, neigh, vermin on scooters. I for one have fuckin' had enough. Gone are the days of being able to have a chilled session at the local, and the skate scene across the country is visibly suffering from it.



I know there's many skaters out there who are much older and have been in the game far longer than me, but even I can say that 'I remember the dayyyys' in which (wait for it, this might mind fuck you a little bit) there were no scooters at all at plazas and parks alike. A happy time for all, when it was possible to cruise around without having to worry about the welfare of fresh-from-the-womb sand tasters with very evident death wishes.
There are so many questions to ask. So many. And where to begin with who is to blame for this two wheeled infestation that has swarmed our nation in a way much too similar to how I imagine locusts would? Coincidentally, the way it feels to walk through locusts is much too similar to the way it does to be around scooters- I'm often holing my arms over my head, ducking, and running for cover in fear of them landing on me and crawling around in my hair.
I have to squeeze this following piece into this blog, I found it too entertaining to be withheld; a few genuine quotes from kids on scooters collated over the past few weeks:
5) "Hey guys check this out I just invented a trick- haven't landed it proper yet though- its called the 'Don't let go'".
4) How come there's nobody over the age of 13 here on a scooter??
3) Mate you're dead good. I used to skateboard but my mum says xbox isn't good for my eyes.
2) [When asked if they'd ever seen a trick landed] "Nah but that's the point init- everyone wants to be the first one ever, like Tony Hawk who invented the ollie"
1) [A 10 year old know it all plastic scouse prick at Whitby park] "Wow how come there's so many skateboarders here don't they fucking realise this is a scooter park?"
And here within lies the main problem- the ignorance and complete lack of common sense that these little gremlins were born with. Skaters and BMX riders worldwide know the basic unwritten laws of skateparks - and the reason they remain unwritten is that they all revolve around common sense, and I really can't stress enough how much these filthy little jumped up twerps lack this in abundance.
Even if you're not the sort who ventures around on some form of wheeled device, I'm sure you're aware that every last square foot of a skatepark is unquestionably going to be used at some point by someone moving at great speed and often on heavy bikes. So if I were to suggest to you that standing around aimlessly would be a logical thing to do you'd probably tell me that I'm a total moron and you would sooner or later be mown down.
"Not taking that chance, do you take me for an idiot? Why would anyone want to do such a thing as that?". Fine... Maybe someone's skating the stair set, but that bottom step looks like such a tempting place to rest doesn't it?! NO! NO IT FUCKING DOESN'T. Only someone with an IQ equal to their age would think of doing something that retarded. I don't need to point out where this is going do I?
What I really don't understand though is just how many times the cretins have to be driven into the concrete before they learn to get out of the way. But hey ho we will keep trying none the less. Ruthlessly. I will not stop until every one of the cot dwellers have been at least punched in the head.

Children, please understand that I couldn't be less interested in learning the history of the fucking bri-flip, so don't even mention it. Don't even talk to me, I'll only hate you more... and realistically I could probably guess at how that shit was invented and tell you the whole story in a single word, that being "ACCIDENTALLY" by a 7 year old rat named Brian. Have you ever met a 7 year old called Brian before? I haven't, but then what kind of modern day parent would call their child Brian? It went out of fashion in the late 70's and hasn't really made a strong comeback.
Personally I blame the parents for all of this anyway, after all they're the ones encouraging their baby cunts-who-can-do-no-wrong to go and have fun on the skatepark giving it their all with the "Don't you let those big boys tell you what to do" attitude- Ignoring the fact that their child's well being is at risk, as they've been brought up to be ignorant little overly aggressive pricks, and around big boys with big toys they're nothing but out of place idiots... their mere presence is a ticking time bomb and one day a nipper is gonna be permanently injured or killed and it'll be the skaters who get the blame and the press will have a fucking field day with it. We're becoming the bad guys again all because ignorant parents can't keep their florescent trouser wearing creatures on their leads.
I have a very distinct mental image of the sorts of people who spawn these little two wheeled germs, and they are definitely the sort of scroungers that would call their godforsaken offspring "Brian". They are the sort who keep the dishcloths and handkerchiefs ironed and folded and given pride of place in the sitting room next to the old tea pot on a beady doily surrounded by little china dolls with freaky as fuck faces that'd definitely send you white if you caught their eye after smoking a fat joint. All the fucking wing back chairs facing them too, as Mr Brian offers you a werthers original while he sips on special protein injected milk, and who's kids will inevitably grow up to be remarkably similar to Kip from Napoleon Dynamite.
Enough!
If you're reading this and you ride a scooter, just fucking stop, we'll have so much more respect for you if you just say "well this is a bit gay isn't it"...
If you're reading this and you're a parent, never ever ever ever ever buy your child a pair of florescent skinny jeans- let's nip it in the bud shall we, if they ever say "I want a scooter" send them to the naughty step with no supper, and if you find out they've borrowed one from a friend then treat the situation as if they've taken serious narcotic drugs from a stranger in the back of a mysterious white van.
If the world ends any time soon you know exactly whom the blame will be placed on. If you don't believe me, a very reliable source recently informed me of Kim Jon Un's favourite mode of transport............


Illustration by WeaselFace